Some rules teach us to never do something, or to always do something. The rule never or always prevents children from harming themselves. These rules help to assure physical safety and security. Think about the safety rules that you need to teach. Look at and consider each of the environments where your child live, play, and work. Inside the house, outside your house, in the neighborhood, in other public places. Then, think about the rules that your child needs to know in those different places.

• Always keep the cap on poisonous fluids; Never store them away from the locked cupboard; Never put them into your mouth

• Always keep the knives drawer locked

• Always handle knives by the handle

• Always unplug or shut off appliances after use

• Never touch hot surfaces

• Always look both ways before crossing the street

• Never ride your bicycle on the street

• Always wear your seatbelt

• Never stand behind a car

• Always stay near to your parent when you are outside the home or in an unfamiliar place.

The word ‘no,’ ‘not,’ or ‘later,’  are very important for building frustration tolerance. Frustration tolerance means learning to tolerate it when you can’t get what you want. It’s very important for parents to teach children that they cannot always have what they want, or that they cannot have what they want right away. For example, too much screen time and too many sweets are not good for health. Not allowing access to screen time or to sweets builds healthy habits for living. The words ‘no,’ ‘later,’ or ‘not,’ can be used to teach good health habits by limiting access to screen time and sweets.

The words ‘no,’ ‘not,’ or ‘later,’ can also be used to teach important life lessons. Sometimes, life doesn’t always give us what we want. Sometimes, we don’t get what we want, but we can work towards getting what we want. Sometimes, we never get the thing that we wanted. But here’s the important twist: When we don’t get what we want, life sometimes surprises us and we get something else that’s much better. It’s important to say ‘no’ to children. It helps them to learn about how to value what they have, how to work towards what they don’t have. It also helps them to wait for something that might be better than they ever expected.

Think about the rules you need to teach for building frustration tolerance and healthy habits for living

• Which privileges are allowed in your household? How often? for how long?

• How many routines or tasks need to get done before privileges are allowed?

• What limits will you set on screen time or sweets?

• What limits will you set on special privileges, such as going on an outing, or making a purchase in the store?

When children learn to tolerate the words not now, and later, they learn to focus on what’s not so fun (such as hard work) instead of just focusing on what’s fun (such as privileges). Parents need to teach children ‘not now,’ and ‘later,’ because it is to crucial to their independence and sense of self-efficacy. It’s the only way that children can practice all of the skills that they need to learn. Children cannot function independently if they do not practice, and they won’t practice if they don’t wait until later for their privileges.  With time, children can learn that working hard, building new skills, and becoming more independent are a reward all of their own. When they learn this, privileges start to matter less.

• What routines does my child need to learn? 

  • Examples: self-care routines, managing personal belongings, cleaning up the bedroom

  • Examples: Helping around the house with clean-up routines outside the bedroom, meal preparation

Children need to learn social rules. Social rules are not as dependent upon the words ‘no’ or ‘later.’ Social rules are more positive and pro-active. The following rules are good social rules to teach, and are useful in almost all situations:

• Greet others

• Use words such as Please, Thank you, and I’m sorry.

• Take turns

• Follow rules in a game

These social rules are good to teach early and are included on this Content Page for this reason. However, social rules are more complex than just learning these few words. The next Content Page, Friendships, shares additional information about social rules and how to build friendships.

Rewards and consequences are a part of life, and can be a part of your teaching about rules. However, it’s important to put them into their rightful place. Both rewards and consequences are not that useful if they are used too often. The real reward of following rules is the the safety, wellness, confidence, and respect that they can confer. It’s can be good to use a reward or punishment to encourage the right behaviors in your child, but the real reward occurs when they understand the purpose of the rules, not when they believe you are pleased or displeased with them. Rewards (such as praise, a special treat) and consequences (such as the loss of a privilege) are good to use for young children, and for children with disabilities, when they are not yet able to see the benefits of rewards. But, they are not that useful over the long term. Be careful in your use of rewards and consequences. see additional information in the Resources section. 

The suggestions listed on this page do not constitute medical or behavioral health advice. The goals, objectives, and strategies shared on this Content Page are useful to many or most children, but might not be the right ones for your child. Only you and your child’s health care providers, behavioral health providers, or your child’s educators or educational therapists, will know if the suggestions on this Content Page are good for your child.

If you are feeling unsuccessful or just frustrated, you may wish to consult with a professional. Professionals can validate your feelings and help you to feel more confident that you are on the right path. They can help you to notice smaller successes, and keep your motivation up to reach your goals. They might suggest modifications. For example, they can help you to match the rule to your child’s age or your child’s developmental status. They might help you to focus on a different set of objectives, either from a different Content Page, or from the many suggestions listed on this page. They may decide to work with you and your child in ways that are different from the suggestions listed on this Content Page. Professionals who can help you include a child therapist, a child psychologist, an Applied Behavior Analyst, a parent educator, a parent guidance group, or a parenting course.

Remember: You and your child both want the rules. It does not matter how hard it is to teach them, nor how hard it is for your child to learn them. Rules will help you and your child will feel safer, more competent, and more successful. Be sure to teach rules. You and your child will both always love you for it.